Unbroken Bonds
by NevarDevereaux
Summary: What they wish they other knew...LANGUAGE WARNING.


**Disclaimer: The usual. CW and Kripke own The Winchester boys. I own everything else. I write for fun and not profit, so no suing, ok?**

**A/N: This is a glimpse of Sam and Dean the night after Croatoan. They have left the town and are in a hotel, waiting for the next gig. **

**Hey, I am a fair chick. I give as much as I receive...feedback that is. Get your mind out the gutter!**

**Unbroken Bonds **

It is two thirty in the morning. The boys are in another hotel room in another rundown town. They have their backs to each other. Each thinks the other is sleeping. No, each is thinking. The last job made them wonder about things.

Sam

What did he mean when he said he was tired of the job? This is his life. He loves what he does and he is damn good at it. I knew I could never be as good as he is. That is why Dad trained him harder. He knew he could do it and I would just get in the way. It wasn't easy being a Winchester, especially when I turned out clumsy and geeky. That isn't my fault though.

He was going to stay with me, even if I had been infected. I would have turned and he knew that. I could swear I saw hurt in his eyes when he said I could not get rid of him that easily. I meant what I said when I told him to get out of there. I didn't want him to die because of me. I would have waited till he had been gone a few minutes and then given the gun a blow job.

I am glad he stayed and sad all the same. Why in the hell would he risk that? The hunter in him should have blown me to hell and never hesitated. See, I do get in the way.

Why the hell did he think I went off to college? Damn, he knows I am not stupid. I left because I wanted him to be able to have a life too! He thinks what I did was so fucking selfish, but I did it for both of us. I wanted him to move on. This "kill the demon" thing wasn't his dream any damn way. It was Dad's! Dad's mission stole Dean's youth, his chance at a normal life, his whole fucking existence.

You don't think when I look at my brother I don't feel a little bit guilty? He was programmed to protect me, too. Everything he did was for the family. Family. I hate that word. We were more like a bunch of fucked up robots programmed to seek and destroy. Dean doesn't even know who he is. He knows what Dad told him to be, a mindless unquestioning soldier.

He has become very good at hiding his emotions. I try to get them out of him, but dammit, he just smirks and makes a smart ass wisecrack. It pisses me off. Goddammit, why can't he see that I love him more than anything in this world? He is my fucking hero and he doesn't even know it.

He is gorgeous and he knows it, but that is not the best part of Dean. He is so fucking smart! He acts like he thinks he is dumb. I may have the book knowledge, but without him, I would be dead. He can think on his feet and spread bullshit better than a farmer.

He is caring and has a whole lot of love to give, but he has wasted it on his family. Dad only had eyes for that demon that killed Mom. He never saw that Dean needed someone to be there for him. I did, but he wouldn't let me do it. It would be weak to let your charge help you. Stubborn bastard!

I may tease him about some of the shit he does, but I admire him and know I can never fill his shoes. What he has done in his short life, others probably could never do. He raised me and I turned out ok. It isn't like he could correct the defective fucking genes the Winchesters have. But you know what, he did a damn good job!

I want to hug him and tell him that I appreciate every thing he has ever done for me and if he would open up and let me, I would like to protect him and help him through life. My brother is suffering and it kills me to see it. It kills me even more that he will not let me take his hand and tell him we can get through this. He did it for me enough.

Was I surprised when he pulled me from that fire that claimed Jess? Hell no. Dean seems to know when I need him. He knows just what to do or to say. What makes him think I can't do the same for him? I know when that smirk is hiding tears, fears, and loneliness.

I know this is fucked up, but when I saw Dean looking at me after the fire, I was grateful for three things. Jess's suffering was over. I was safe. Dean was still there. I have lived through losing Jess. If that had been Dean, I would have been dead minutes later. I would have seen to that.

He could have spent those four years living _his _life and not worrying about me. He could have done whatever he wanted. I WANTED him to do those things. He doesn't have to live his life for me. I wanted Dean to find someone, settle down, have a few kids, work on cars, maybe even invent a few things. God knows he can do it. I could have told his kids they have a great dad. I would know, because he really was mine. Dad was our father, the guiding hand, but Dean was my Daddy. He was the one who gave me the love and attention I needed.

He will visit the Grand Canyon. I will be right there with him. Watch me.

**DEAN**

When I thought Sammy had been infected by that bitch, I lost it. I was tired of the job. I was sick of the life. I don't think he knew what I meant. It meant if he was going to die, so was I. I'd have shot him if I had to, but I would have eaten the second bullet. I couldn't live without him anyway.

That dumbass thought I was going to give him a gun and leave? Here ya go Sammy. I am outta here. Now, you be the good little victim and blow your brains out, ok? Hell no! We were going to get through it together, one way or another. I wasn't leaving him.

My little brother. Huh huh. He feels more like my son. I raised him from the time I was four. I am not resentful at all. I enjoyed every minute of watching him grow up. I was the one he walked to on wobbly legs. I was the one he called for first, when he learned to talk. He butchered my name. D-Ah. D-ah. He hasn't shut his trap since. Haha.

When he had nightmares, I was there. When he thought the boogeyman was going to get him, I didn't hand him a gun and say "Shoot it", I got out of my bed, crawled into his and rocked him until he fell asleep.

I taught him almost everything. When he was growing up and changing, I had to be the one to explain why his sheets were messy in the morning and that he was not a freak because it was supposed to get hard. Dad gave him the birds and bees talk, but left out a whole lot. I filled in the blanks. I always did.

I don't give a damn what it takes. I am gonna save him. I swore I would watch out for him, no matter what, and I meant it. Dammit, nothing is going to hurt my Sammy.

But nothing hurts me like Sammy. He left for years and didn't even call me. I kept tabs on him. He is so smart. I am nowhere near as smart as he is. Even though he makes fun of me, I am still proud of him. Egghead.

He managed to get a full ride at a good school. He even met a girl and they were serious. I am not mad about that. I wish he would tell me how he did that.

I am sorry he lost the love of his life, but, I am not sorry I got my brother back. I missed him. When he was gone, I felt lost. My partner wasn't there.

When I needed help, Einstein over there would give it to me. When I was going to do something stupid, worrywart nagged me away from the idea. When I felt like I was hopeless, Sasquatch would say or do something to let me know he needed me and I was not worthless.

I think Dad even knew. That is why Dad sacrificed himself to save me. He knew that he could never have with either of us what we had with each other. I am still angry at him for doing that, but I understand why.

Maybe one day he will leave me again. I don't want to think about it, but if he does, I hope he finds happiness. That is all I want for him. I would give my life to give him just one more day. I hope he knows how much he means to me.

Sam and Dean turn over at the same time. They are staring into identical green pools, illuminated by the light coming through the window. They look at each other and quickly shut their eyes. Both finally find a temporary respite in sleep.

2042

Sam sits in the chair of the hospital room. He has spent a lot of time here. When Dean was admitted this time, they both knew he would not be leaving. His liver had finally surrendered to the damage. During the younger years, all the cuts that had been stitched in roadhouses and filthy motels and all the dirty objects that had broken the skin had left their nasty germs behind in Dean's body. Sam was pretty sure the massive amounts of alchohol had contributed to the deterioration, but it was too late to point fingers now.

They had taken Dean's body away. Sam had to go make arrangements for the cremation. Dean did not want to take any chances on being buried. Sam agreed. He could see Dean becoming a haunt and annoying unsuspecting victims.

Sam bent over in his chair and rested his head in his hands. What was he going to do now? They had hunted all their lives until age had ceased the activity. When they became to old and broken to hunt, they had bought a little log cabin by a lake. Dean was kick ass at pool andpoker; Sam was a savvy investor. They never had to work in "retirement".

Their days had been spent annoying each other, talking about the good old days, and still learning about each other. Over the years, Dean had taught Sam the simple minded pleasures, like old horror movies. Sam had taught Dean to open up a bit more and not be as big of an ass as he had been when her was younger. Dean would even read a bit now and then.

"Dean," Sammy cried,"what am I supposed to do without you? We have spent almost all our lives togerher. I don't want to go on without you. I can't" The hot tears moved down Sam's now wrinkled cheeks.

Sam felt the room temperature change. He looked up and saw Dean before him. Dean looked like he had at twenty-five. He looked at Sammy and smiled. He walked forward and reached his hand out to Sammy.

Sam never felt the aneurysm that painlessly took his life.

Sam's wishes were carried out. Thanks to his OCD, he had written meticulous instructions.

Four days later, two urns were opened and the ashes floated into the wind. It was a bright sunny day in the American southwest, as the Winchester ashes rode drifted about. It would take quite a bit of time for the last remains of the brothers to reach the bottom of the canyon.

**6/28/07**


End file.
